Of godmothers and nalli sarees...

Marriages are made in heaven, marriage cards are made in menaka…screamed a billboard as we were moving over a very well known flyover right in the heart of chennai city…How appropriate,I remember thinking,after all to me chennai meant weddings…..And since there was no dearth of “well meaning mamis and paatis” in my family as well as young people to be “bumped off”,everyone was content..It provided the perfect foil to plan a trip down south at least once every two years.. “Hurrah”!! Finally you are here..My periappa picked us up from airport and drove back home at sixty kilometers per hour..The groom was expected in forty five minutes…The entire building was decked with flowers and lights..I finally was reunited with my cronies..I mean cousins…Janu,Nivi and paddy..There was also
the hip hop obsessed Upilli who was going through the pangs of adolescence and had been behaving rather weirdly for the past couple of months…aaahh..the pangs of growing up..my mother ruffled his hair while he sullenly grinned…
Let’s go to the mottai madi someone shouted out as the groom was arriving.. eh why?? I found the mottaimadi was chockfull of people…and there was a huge basket of flowers…We plan to throw flowers from here while the groom enters the building…Wow,nice reception,my brother remarked…Yeah nothing like filmi tadka…
Things would have gone wonderfully if only Nivi hadn’t lost the grip on her cup…we were using these porcelain mugs to scoop up the rose petals and shower it below…As every science student knows,any object dropped would travel down a hyperbolic path and that proved to be the groom’s saviour..We screamed from above…The groom jumped back a few paces and the mug crashed missing his head by exactly two inches…Nivi looked down with horror while I breathed a sigh of relief…Hefty sundaram mama bellowed a war cry from downstairs..We ducked…But there was at least fifty witnesses,Nivi was ushered in before the tribunal…It was a mistake..she stammered.. Oh well,it’s okay no harm done the groom cheerfully remarked…Why did I get the feeling this wedding was going to be an unforgettable one through and through..
Listen c…why don’t you and other girls put up a “whatdoyoucall “it?? Eh…Has Jaggu Periappa lost it..Sangeet..my aunt helpfully chipped in..A night of dance and music..the night before the actual wedding..like you folks do it up north..Sure! Why not I brightly replied…Komalam athai burst in…Why don’t you do a kajrare…I think you girls were wonderful…She was referring to my coll fest where we gyrated to the popular number..I remember being painfully embarrassed that day..Mothers popping up at the fest was bad enuf,but she had dragged along my athai as well..
Wow..superb idea paddy aka padmaja exclaimed..Yeah right,I rolled my eyes..Cheema mama thata would be sitting right at the front chewing betel nuts right?? Yeah..so?? I heard he already has a heart murmer… Eh?? Paddy had always been a bit slow on the uptake…You idiot,seeing the moves,he’ll get a heart attack…Komalam athai dint find your moves scandalous ..That’s because I broke her specs the previous day…Ohhh…paddy grinned..Upilli burst in..Why don’t you guys dance to the latest tamizh super hit and that would be?!?! He took us to his room and turned on the stereo..”Vaadi,vaadi..…la la..gaana paatu..I think kajrare would be lot less painful…It’s like the guillotine versus being fried in a hot pan filled with boiling oil..The guillotine is lot more swifter and less painful…Upilli scowled… …We were stumped..My cousin..the bride entered the room..Ohh how super..heard you guys were putting up a sangeet..Thank you so much C…I always wanted one of those..She gave another glowing smile and ambled out..We have to make it at least 10 minutes…I got it!! How about the wedding song from alaipayuthey..eh?? You know the scene where they see each other…..Janu had one of her brainwaves..Hmm not a bad idea even upilli had to concede…The practice sessions began at full swing…I was not familiar with the song..but others were…After 3 days we had just one minute of the dance covered..The reason?!?? We spent half the time chatting away to glory..C…Why don’t you introduce me to a hunk frm ur coll..I rolled my eyes..I think the north indian guys look absolutely super…I flatly refused.. neways half of the college was going out with the other half..It was impossible..How about you guys?? She turned to my brothers…Well I could introduce you to the Mr Valentine but….But what?? Ambi thata stepped in…Nothing,nothing…everyone concentrated on the music…Then there was this time we were listening to Kevin Little’s hit number..when sundaram mama popped in..His face turned white on hearing the lyrics..what’s this nonsense..Turn it off this instant…Who’ll help me with the boxes pattu periappa shouted at that exact instant..All six of us raced to the door..He was deeply flattered while Sundaram mama snorted..He of course knew the truth..
I told the video guy to fix up lights,my uncle told me on the penultimate day before our grand prformance..It’s for thirty minutes naa?? He smiled proudly and ambled out..I felt myself going weak.. thirty minutes?? With the greatest of difficulty we had stretched it to six minutes…I felt a heart murmer coming on…Nivi turned white..This is awful…we are dead..!! Wait I got!! Let’s do fillers for the other 24 minutes.. We had to do this in the farewell as well….Huh?!!? I explained my grand scheme to the others..C..U r wonderful..My rep had zoomed up by a zillion notches…I patted myself on the back…
The grand night arrived..The dance went on pretty well..except for a couple of minor hitches…everyone loved it..
That’s all?!?? What next?? We are going to play a game..1,2,ka ten..eh??wat’s that?!?? Cheema mama thata creaked..
It’s like rapid fire round..you are first thata…He slowly climbed the steps and sat on a chair..
What’s your niece’s first grandon’s name?? Advaith..pat came the answer..he was still sharp..How wud u rate the foll ladies on a scale of 1-10..Selvi (frm the popular tamizh soap which he watches untiringly),ambujam paati(his wife),sush,and
Savathri( bac in his hay days,we were told she was his fav actress)..Sush?? athu yaaru?? Kokila ponnu aa??
Illa illa..the miss universe..6 for selvi..8 for savitri..2 for sush (yaaru nnu kooda yennaku theriyadhu) ambujam paati..I gently prodded..11 he smiled while the audience hooted and clapped…It was a complete success!!!!!!
The best time in ages…we’ll never forget this wedding..we were almost as famous as the groom and the bride!!!
The wedding day finally arrived…………

My cousin “shuba” was getting married to this smart,well behaved,polite young man who she had met a month back…Both of them met when they were completing their higher studies..She a double MS in genomics,he a PHD in electrical engineering…The proud father of the bride,the mother of the bride (my periamma/periappa)were all smiles…As my cousin and I stood at the entrance welcoming the guests with rose water and chandan paste…My periappa breezed in..Beautiful,beautiful…..he laughed five more years and guess who’ll be inside…he winked..My cousin blushed while I silently baulked…Nothing against marriages but I was still ruminating
About the groom who had a large black mole that stretched from his nostrils to the bridge of his nose taking on a familiar shape..
..Love is blind…paddy was appalled when I brought her attention to the mole..or do you think it’s a birthmark?!??
c…I think Love’s something that goes beyond all external….stuff! she finished rather lamely…She flounced off…
Hey!! I didn’t mean it in any demeaning sort of a way,I just got the impression I had seen the shape elsewhere…
Phillips Atlas,..my brother helpfully chipped in..Of course!! Now I knew why it had been so familiar..
It was exactly like the old boot tilted at 45 degress… bella donna..Italy!!!!
We both laughed out aloud when my “tricolour mama” stepped in…(We call him that as he is a die hard patriot of the country.. his feelingsare the “real stuff” not just the “spur of the moment” patriotism that rears it’s head once a blue
moon evey time India’s two runs from beating Pakistan or when a Rang De Basanti rules the box office!!)
What’s happening?? Nothing,we were just talking about how….p… is going to be you know…”happily married”?? my brother chips yet again…after a few years in umm…America??I helpfully mumble…Chipping in’s becoming contagious!!
My mama snorts..his nostrils flaring…His “flaring nostrils” are something of a pride in our family circle…There is this widely “word of mouth” spread story which goes on about how my dad (when he was six years old)wanted to play with his older cousins…They didn’t want to hurt his feelings but at the same time knew he would get hurt hurt if he played with them ..Hence they told him you can play with us once you become a man…Huh?My father squeaked..how will I know I have become a man..”When your nostrils start to flare like Kannan’s…bright Jaggu sporting a kudimi retorted!!
Kannan aka Tricolour mama being a good sport flared his nostrils for a good measure and scared away my dad and his other tiny tot cronies…
America,America…Is that all you can think of?? I don’t know..I just said that as they are there right now…my brother was indignant..It could be India too…Tricolour mama..shook his head sadly…Your generation is a doomed lot…
He made his sinister prophecy and ambled away…My cousin burst in…Look paddy…I wasn’t being rude or anything…
I know,I guess I over reacted…I had this uneasy feeling that she had a crush on my cousin’s fiancé..And bringing her attention to the “wonly” blemish on his otherwise striking face was cutting a gaping hole into her heart…It all fits in..
It all started back when I was talking with her a few months before the engagement…My cousin had brought him around to the family home…She started chatting with my chitti while the groom generally ambled about the gardens..
I was just telling her about the latest movie I had seen when he burst in…
Hi!! Iam T….He cheerfully introduced himself..You are from D….?? And you must be …My cousin went a deep shade of red..I was staring at the map of italy….Nice Weather right??? It was sweltering hot…I grinned..extremely….my cousin turned a pink magenta….ermm…so how did you guys meet?? The guy’s eyes became extremely dreamy…He turned a bit pink..the map of italy stood out even more….He launched into a huge monologue..
It was at the coffee shop..blah..blah…blah… I glanced sideways at my cousin who had decided to turn a “bright crimson” now…So while my cousin was metamorphosing into “delightful colours” that would have put even Tonks to shame..and the guy looked like he was never going to finish…I had another brainwave…I feigned fainting which did the trick..My cousin turned back into her original colour (The Originals always Rule baby!!) while the guy rushed back in to alert the everyone..In a trice everyone was at my side..She was a premature baby you know…my chitti nervously told my bewildered cousin’s fiancé..(I smothered a smirk which threatened to balloon out any second)..I think it’s because she’s not eating enough..my paati began… I know..my brother wickedly crackled..lets stuff oily calorie loaded vadas into her mouth.. … …I sat up wide awake…Hello paati…everyone cheered!! I was hustled back indoors….away from the “devastating heat”…It’s a killer..the tricolor mama lived up to his sinister fame…
Shift back to the wedding…
Three extremely fat mamis bustled in….they smiled indulgently at me and my cousin… and waddled out….
Few more years and…I roll my eyes while my cousin looks a bit excited.. So another map of italy or would America suit you better?? I ask her and she chases me with the sandal paste kinnam..I run into this guy…A well built guy with a
Perfectly normal nose..
…Hey look out! He calls…Oops sorry..I walk back to my cousin who has her mouth open..Wow!!!! You jus ran into a guy who looks exactly like maddy!! Eh? I look at the guy who “actually” winks at me right now…I quickly turn my head away…Wah!wah..just like alaipayuthey…I can’t believe the movie was back to haunt me again….my cousin is all wonder…I roll my eyes yet again…This is all I need!! You know like saathiya….she helpfully chips in mistaking my droll expression for a puzzled one…Though he is not like Viveik Oberoi…I know I know…Lunch is served my periamma comes in at the right time…She pushes both of us into the dining hall…I can’t find my family…I know..let’s sit over there..jus across from the maddy lookalike who winks again in my direction… No ways!! I take a seat which was farthest from the maddy lookalike..My cousin was slightly disappointed…She wanted a what we call ”Nayan Sukh Prapti”
bac home…Still she couldn’t leave me alone…I think C…you should have sat there..we could have had some fun!!
I think I say darkly,we shd have waited for the groom …..She chokes on the banana chips and tactfully changes the subject…
Food session completed…all the elders gathered around…mamis in one side and mamas on the other..Mamas discuss politics,America,the doomed youngsters and how jayalalitha was gonna huff, puff and blow away kalaignar in the coming elections..
The mamis bend their heads together to begin the matchmaking session…You know,I have a cousin thrice removed who have a young boy who’s done PHD from Cheegaagoo…I blink….My payti is doing her MSc from New york….Why don’t we exchange jadakams tom….They merrily clink their filter coffee tumblers together…
Janu grabs my sleeve..You know what this reminds me of?? What?? The sisterhood of matchmakers …eh?? Just like Godfather..except there’s no don and brotherhood..only nalli silk saree sporting,heavily decked obese mamis forming a close knit sisterhood which meets thrice a year to decide the fate of two unwitting young people thousand miles away fated to live with each other for the rest of their miserable lives..Janu had always been the pessimistic sort..I shrug my shoulders..Shubha looks happy enough….Woe,woe betide the day (janu pretends she hasn’t heard me) the sisterhood was formed…Storm brewing in the coffee tumbler…?? Exactly!!
Towards the end,I stole my cousin’s new husband’s shoes…and deposited it with paddy…She must confront her fear..I had always been a helpful child…Ooh it was you? The map of italy brightly chirped I thot it wud be c…She seemed to fit the bill of the accused better….My cousin stammered …it was indeed me…she was an unwilling accomplice…the groom merrily laughs.. paddy….. titters too..nervously at first then relaxed…..I come back into the pic..Here u can have your shoes back..
Wat?Don’t I have to give you something….Joote dedo paise lelo…wasn’t it?? Ohh it doesn’t really matter but since u insist…
Everyone’s happy in the end!! Exuberance floweth free..I even wink back at the roughish maddy who winks at me for prob the last time in his life…thank God!
It was after all shaadi no 1 of our family naa?!?!?

Random Ramblings..

Blogging after ages.. God!! I really do realize that this isn’t my cup of tea..Do really admire those people who can write pages n pages…
Came up with 10 top reasons why I can never seem to blog…atleast not as as much as I wud like to..
1.There’s absolutely totally even remotely nothing interesting happening in my life….
2. Or the other way of looking at it is that crazy things keep happening..that anything even slightly normal seems highly abnormal(to me)..hence the net result is that if I rejoice n write abt the normal things..people will start yawning n that would leave a gaping hole in my heart..The lone distinction of putting people to sleep should solely rest in the hands of my techniques prof..She’s a darling n I wudn’t dream of competing with her!!
3. Iam extremely slow…most of the days that I sit in front of the comp..It’s usually after a long day of work/party/eating(!!) whatever…My brain processes stuff at the rate of one thought per minute..Duh!!! Iam still thinking..where’s the stupid letter r y I j I meanP..damn! Can never find it wen I want but wenever I don’t need it it’s alwwaaaps pere!!
4.I get DISTRACTED!! Big Time..Phone struck!!!!
Last time wen I sat down to type something substantial..my friend called me up n we ended reviewing the last lecture..talking about her latest ****,the latest hairdo,the latest accessories…Baahh!! Blog?? Who cares??!?
I can always do it next weekend!!
5. Next weekend ,My dad proudly proclaims..We are going to….AGRA!!!
Yay!! I jump with joy..Finally(!!) my mom rolls her eyes…Can’t you have taken me 5 years back.. I have so many greys now… “Wah!!! Mumtaz aur Shah Jahan have come back....the ancient toothless guide crackles.. my mom’s beaming..my dad(!!) he smiles triumphantly….He stands vindicated..I smirk wildly… My dust laden pc beeps morosely…There goes my blogging dreams!!
6. I am despondent…According to Celtic calendar..despondency strikes a Piscean faster than boredom/hunger/sleep/love(!!!!!!!!!!) ..whatever… And I am no exception…
Iam depressed.. I am cheered by a bunch of friends who force feed Cadburys/snickers/bounty down my throat..Chocolate contains endorphins (neurotransmitters) n they are supposed to make u happy..yep!! we practise what we mug!!(from the college books)..
Iam slightly happy till the awful realization hits me that I have jus consumed 3000 calories in something like 15 minutes…..Arrragh!!! It’s back to sadness n misery n of course gut wrenching guilt!!
7.We areeeeee baaaccckkk…. My brothers gleefully proclaim..and with them comes 20 cds on AOE…Age Of Empire..rocks!! It’s a matter of pride..we have this interhostel thingie..AOE multiplayer stuff…We have to win..they hog the pc..30 hours a day ..they are furiously jabbing on the keyboard..my keyboard creaks n shrieks…Beads of sweat appear on my brother’s brow…No Mercy,..that’s how Attila kept winning…Anyways you won’t understand all this…Or would You?? I know,I’ll teach you!! My philanthropic brother declares.. Uh ho!!
8. Life is short…Blogging’s fun no doubt but Iam simply too much of a pen/book person to switch on the comp n get whippin n typin!! Prefer reading a book to that!!
9.Knock knock,who’s there?? Sue!! Sue Who?? Suuuueeeeppprricceee..(surprise)..
My prof pops the paper under my arms while Iam still reeling under shock…
Mr Mishra has a severe hyperglycemic condition..His palms are sweaty n he’s hyperventilating..He suffers fainting spells…
I have a morbid sense of impending doom..my palms become sweaty..I feel a instant kinship with Mr Mishra…
Surprise Tests are extremely torturous…They deserve to be banned from the annals of human history…The after effects are extremely long lasting!! It takes atleast a week to recover..more chocolates to keep u going..more misery..a vicious cycle rears it’s ugly head!!
10. yay!! Blooged successfully… can hardlu rite but keepinh iy goink ..tancx ppl…Iam sleepy/…. Wow…Iam stotallu drainef..will blog next centuryyyii…c ya….kkkkkkk..I mean zzzzzzz…wafever!!

Summer Of 2005

Love summers!! Who doesn't??This year was good too!!
Went to madras....True there was this acute water shortage et al,but still totally enjoyed my two months in madras!!
SCHOOL REUNION...
This had been in the pipeline for a few years now..Finally materialised!!Met the ol' whole psbb gang again..All 32 of us were in town..We decided on lunch at Eden n sum time at the beach..
Had great fun..Played sum volleyball on water n made total ruckus in the restaurant..Hmm..had a disgusting blue granita at the planet Yumm..It tasted exactly like detergent water..complete with fancy straws n carebears sticking to the edge of the glass..
green glass...blue juice...yellow straw ... red carebears....pink tongue..We live in a coulorful colourful world!!
New Yorker's hell!!
The day after the reunion.. went to this fancy place called New Yorker with 2 of my friends..Shree's idea...She said it was an awesome joint..I ordered a Russian Salad...Both of them gave me the usual.."Are You Dieting" look...Hello!! Russian Salads are anything but calorie lacking..They are totally uplifting...Heavenwards as well as the scales!!They come with strawberries,cream,a whole slew of fresh fruits/veggies...Delicious!! Atleast so I thot..
They bought this plate full of green celery mixed with thick yoghurt..There were a few cabbage leaves around the green mess and a single cherry on the top of the great mount green muck..!!
I was like what is this and the waiter was like..dint u order russian salad..??!?! The waiter was this menacing looking six foot guy complete with biceps/triceps..I think he was smiling at me..but to my totally imaginative mind..it seemed more like a grimace..I contemplated asking him to take it back,but seeing my friends' faces.. n their equally nervous shifty looks..thot it better otherwise..Had to plow thru the whole mess...David had his Stick when he faced Goliath...We had steel forks/spoons/knives and a darn prickly tablecloth...Hmm..Maybe I shud have challenged him after all!!

Shopping Paradise??!?!?
Delhi has Sarojini Nagar (God Bless it's fighting resilience!!),Bangalore the MG road/Brigade Road and Madras????
T.Nagar...Pannagal Park to be more precise..Pothys to be extremely precise...God!We passed the place like a million times and each of the million times,it had like million people inside!!My mother did badly want to go,but then we put our foot down...Actually it was my periamma..She's a doctor and she did a fantastic job of putting her knowledge to use..Went on about how it was like being in vaccum and how the heartbeat rate increases and how the net cardiac output is strained ending with a massive myocardial infarction...(in layman's terms that's a heart attack)...Nope,of course my mother dint buy all that ..Jus as we were breathing in huge gulps of air preparing to brave the Surging crowd..She caught sight of the same pattu sari,she wanted to buy at RMKV..And we beat a hasty detour..That's one good thing about life...It never gets so bad that it can't turn worse!!!

Choosing A name

Loads of people have asked me why I don’t blog….Blogging is the “in” thing now…even in my college.. Till today I had some sort of a phobia towards it..The first hurdle was naming your blog…It had to “pique” the curiosity of people..It had to be funny,witty and at the same time define your persona…Atleast that’s what all my “literate” blogger friends told me…Aaargh!! Give me Enzyme Kinetics ka paper any day!! I was totally psyched out…How in the world can u fit your persona in a single sentence let alone a word!! Now don’t get me wrong .. I am not claiming to be “multi” layered person..Reminds of a saying in tamizh..periya vengayam or sumthing along those lines..The gist of it is that If u go on peeling the onion eventually you end up with nothing..It’s just that I didn’t know what to name my blog…Reading other people’s blogs didn’t help too…True,I did have a glimpse of some really great writers/thinkers …some of the stuff written were beyond my comprehension….Others were truly inspiring…After reading a friend’s blog..I was actually tempted to try my hand at bungee jumping… It’s another matter that I chickened out at the last possible moment but anyways…the bottom line was that I had to start blogging too…Iam actually typing this in MS word,did any of you know that MS Word doesn’t recognize the word “blog”…Blot ,bog ,blow ,bloc, blob are the alternate words :) But I digress…I am yet to think of a name…
Since I can’t think any particularly sensational name at the moment, let me deviate even more…Deviation tending to infinity ..Focus touching zilch…Iam getting really good at blogging :) I had a great Diwali!! Delhi is “the” place to be during diwali…It’s celebrated with lots of pomp and splendour…Madras is another place that totally rocks during diwali…Haven’t seen diwali any where else in India!! Have seen diwali in Singapore and Colombo as well…Singapore’s pretty decent ..Loads of Indians..Sri Lanka was bad…It was during the 1995-99 period… A friend of mine let of a single hydrogen bomb, brought the entire Kollupitiya battalion to his neighbourhood!! I think he spent the night cooling his heels at a local cell, before the Indian Embassy intervened…Though all of us were totally worried about him, he actually enjoyed himself..Used to spin long yarns of how Prabhakaran was his cell mate ….I saw him two years ago…He has two young children now…Last heard he was telling his six year old that O sama Bin Laden was his cellmate…Turned out Prabhakaran was his wingie!! My God!!! Guys!!! Totally can’t figure them out!! Anyways this year was good too…Set Off a sky rocket for the first time..Iam trying to feel ashamed but all I feel is an overwhelmed feeling of suppressed triumph and quiet achievement…Pathetic..sigh!! I had about twenty people hollering behind me and that was totally scary, didn’t exactly make my job easy….